it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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