My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
