i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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