I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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