Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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