My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
