The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
