I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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