ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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