omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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