we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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