the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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