I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
