I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
