I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
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no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
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Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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