Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
