Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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