hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
