Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
