He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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