On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
