i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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