She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
