Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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