My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
