Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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