I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
