"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
