I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
