Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
