i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
