I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
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