Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Barsexuality is the new black.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
