I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
