ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
