I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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