now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
