I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
