omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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