dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
i think im in europe. pls send help
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