yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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