so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
