I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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