my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
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