just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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