Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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