So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
