Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
