I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
