this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick