Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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