I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
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Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
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