Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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