Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
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