so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
