I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
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