I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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