Just cropdusted the office
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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