I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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