i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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