Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
